Having It All

A few days ago I had a lovely chat with my dear friend, Alex, from Ransacked Goods. Over the course of an hour, we covered everything from pre-school dilemmas to family challenges to creative fulfillment. And while we actually live somewhat different lives – she’s an amazing mama who works full time and I’m an amazing mama who stays at home – we’re able to come together on so many issues as far as our kids go. And I like to think we help inform one another of the many different ways of navigating this whole motherhood gig. In any case, Alex helps me understand and empathize with the struggles specific to working moms. And putting myself in someone else’s shoes, at least imaginatively, is honestly one of my favorite pastimes.

But I digress. One of our conversation veins got me thinking. As graduates of the same intensely rigorous and prestigious all-girls high school, we were frequently told as bright and bold teenagers that we could achieve anything and everything we pursued. We could cure cancer and promote world peace, all while exuding confidence, poise and intelligence. And I think this message rocks. Actually, I think it rocks most of the time. I think a caveat is in order, one that informs young women – or anyone really – that we can, in fact, achieve anything we pursue as long as we understand the value of patience. I think we can have it all – I really do believe this – but I’m not sure it can happen all at once. Or rather, I’m not sure it can happen all at once for everyone.

I think I find this original message inspiring yet problematic because families were sort of left out of this equation of Having It All. Maybe it was just me, but I didn’t ever really hear “you can raise a conscious and loving family” amidst all the cheering for careers and cultural do-goodery. In fact, the notion of raising a family as a career wasn’t really acknowledged at all. But that’s just the reality of modern day feminism and I get that. Before we can accept all modes of being, we often have to reject the modes of being that previously felt confining or obligatory. Fair enough.

But this conversation, like all my conversations with Alex, helped me hone in on the bigger issue. I actually love my job as a stay-at-home mom. And yes, I very earnestly consider it a job. While helping an almost-two year old figure out how to express her emotions clearly and healthily or basically acting as a house manager for my little family unit may not seem creative or glamorous to others, I find it to be quite fulfilling and inspiring. And I know that there are incredible moms out there, much like Alex, who do this and work outside the home. And my hat will forever and ever and ever be off to them. I admire and celebrate their tenacity amidst the most challenging balancing acts I’ve ever seen. But I think my own little juggling act is impressive too.

I think my core frustration stems from the fact that at least two to three times a week I’m asked when I’m heading back to work. I know people don’t intend to be rude at all, but the underlying implication to this question is quite troublesome to me. Because I actually feel like I am doing good work right now. And just like the wonderful moms I know who choose to work to fulfill their creative needs (or have to work to fulfill their family’s financial needs), I have chosen to stay at home with my peanut because I find this work to be incredibly creative and fulfilling.

I do plan on returning to my work as a teacher. And I look forward to that. But not just yet. And yes, my main gripe here is with myself. I don't want to crumble into a defensive position here. It's not other people's fault that our culture pits women against other women over issues that could actually help unify us if given the chance. So why do I let this kind of thing bother me? Why do I care what other people think? Personally, I don’t really care. I know I’m doing the right thing for me and my family. And I recognize that when people slam or belittle me, it often has more to do with their hang-ups than with me. My discomfort is a more theoretical sense of disappointment with the tension that often occurs between working and stay-at-home moms. Alex told me that she frequently feels judged by stay-at-home moms and I know I’ve felt judged by working moms. And ladies, who wins with that equation? I’m sorry to pull a Pollyanna, but I genuinely have no judgment about what other families choose (or have to choose) as far as work and parenting goes because A) we’re all doing our best, B) I’ve seen plenty of good and bad parenting on both sides of the fence, and C) it’s usually none of my darn business. I suppose it’s part of my job to keep on spreading the good vibes when it comes to all kinds of mamas. I think we all rock. And I think that as long as we’re doing what’s right for us as individuals and as members of our individual families, we’re showing our children what it means to be self-aware and deliberate in our lives. Isn’t that a good thing?

As for having it all, I know I will have it all. I actually sort of feel like I already have it all. I am reminded nearly every hour of every day of how fortunate I am and, more importantly, of what a fabulous life I’ve created for myself with my career, my friends and my little family. I suppose I’ve been able to come to this spot in my life – a spot where I’m not stressed by what comes next or what I should be doing – because I’ve shifted my idea of Having It All into bite size chunks. And while some may peek into my life and think I’m merely nibbling on the big piece of pie that is my life, I know in my heart of hearts that I’m actually gorging myself on the best part – for me – so far.