A Passing

A young friend passed away quite tragically last week. It was sudden and harsh. And it has sent my little family reeling.

We weren’t super close with this friend. We used to see him more often, with work friends and holiday gatherings. We shared several meals, competed in races together and swapped stories about adventures in early parenting. But even though we didn’t hang out often, we broke bread together occasionally and that means something to us. He was goofy and real and exuberant and to know that such a vibrant man is no longer here is impossible to fathom and painful to accept.

In response to this passing, the Papa and I have been reaching for one another more fiercely and saying things we know we should say more frequently. We talk about our friend’s beautiful wife and their two very small children often, usually breaking off mid-sentence because it is simply too hard to verbalize the empathy and sympathy we feel for them.

We’ve always been good at putting ourselves in others’ shoes. Compassion comes easy to both of us. But we’ve realized that Stella’s presence in our lives has completely restructured how we view and approach the world. The only way I can describe it is to say that my heart feels like it’s been ripped apart mercilessly since having Stella, only to be rebuilt with a more urgent and purposeful sense of love. I look at everyone – and I do mean EVERYONE – as someone else’s baby. I used to say that, but now I mean it. When you approach your daily life (or, for that matter, the world at large) with this perspective, the trickle-down effect is staggering. Curiosity and patience replace divisiveness, acceptance replaces judgment, love replaces bitterness. Simply put, our hearts are a whole lot more of everything: forgiving, open, giving, loving… it’s endless, really.

So witnessing this kind of tragedy, of course, has prompted us to feel and discuss the unimaginable. And it’s called into question all that is stable and known in our lives. As I’ve been trying to wrap my head around something that cannot be explained, I’ve found myself making lists. I have countless scraps of paper lying about right now, all expressing things I know and things I don’t know. Some of them beg for further depth and questioning. And some are raw and simple. None of them offer much in the way of solace. But in any case, some of these thoughts provide a tether to stability and sanity in a time when life frankly seems totally and completely unfair.

It’s funny. I thought I’d share my many realizations over the last week. But I find that I can’t. I just spent thirty minutes trying to list them all, and they frankly sound so trite. It seems a shame to mark such a vibrant and passionate life with observations so anecdotal. I guess if I were to sum it all up – which is trite and impossible in and of itself – I have learned, yet again, that I am fortunate beyond my understanding and that living as deliberately and passionately as possible is not only of benefit to our little family of three but is as fitting a tribute to our friend as any.